Layers

Tomorrow marks Anderson's first birthday. I've told Mark that Anderson will always remind me of the time in my life where I had to "peel off" my emotional layers. For whatever reason having a baby has triggered a huge change in my life and mentality. I guess having a baby is a huge life change but I have chosen to stare reality in the face and confront some big struggles that I've had.

I've always been the type to "do it all" and do it well...or so I thought. After I had Anderson I realized that I COULD NOT do it all. I was living under such intense pressure that I told Mark I would rather be dead. I know that is deep but this past year has been intense. It came to the point where I either had to bury emotions and live quite miserably on the outside (amazing what we can hide when we want to) or confront struggles and get freedom. Through the help of the love of my life, Mark, supportive family, amazing friends, and most importantly self will and total reliance on God I am in the process of gaining freedom and releasing my struggles to the Lord.

Things like...
Overcommitment
Feelings of fear and anxiety
Inadequacy
Intense perfectionism
Anger towards others

Yes...I know these are deep issues and yes I really am "putting" this out there to everyone. I really don't care if others judge me...I would rather admit that I am real and help others to feel comfortable to confront their own issues. When I began dealing with all of this I really thought I was alone because NO ONE TALKS about these things. As I began to open up to others out of desperation I realized how wide spread these deep feelings are.

I have really enjoyed listening to pod-casts and reading books by Beth Moore. The other day as I was listening she said, "How many times do we help Satan do his job?"

How many times do we not allow God to give us freedom and stay comfortable in our misery?

I can say that today I still struggle with that unappealing list above but I am beginning to receive freedom from my Lord and Savior and it is so freeing! I'm realizing just how much God has to offer us if we simply let Him. Unfortunately that isn't always so simple but it is oh so worth it!

The picture at the top was taken today and I can say that all three of those gorgeous (I can't help being biased) smiles are real! We are a happy family, we are a family who has freedom, we are a family who is committed to the Lord!