Rest

I have been fighting for over a year, for rest. Mental rest. Physical rest. Emotional rest. Rest. I have cried out to the Lord asking for a break. A time to breath. To stop. That time has not come. When I did have moments of quiet I was not at rest. This troubled me even more. If I do have a quiet afternoon why is my mind, heart, and soul disquieted? In my pleading with the Lord He has taught me what it means for my soul to be at rest in Him. 

This is an idea that is hard for me to wrap my mind around. How can you be actively rushing around your busy life and be at rest in God? My husband and I live a full life. We serve, we love, we give and yet I was doing all of the above with an added, "and then..." We serve..."and then" we rest. We love..."and then" we rest.  I was living with this mindset of, "Get beyond this, check it off our list, and then we can rest."

The Lord is teaching me if we have a spirit of "and then" and not a spirit of "use me freely" we will not find rest. 

As I have wrestled in my mind and being the Lord has truly brought me to a place of rest in Him. I have learned that while we do need times of true physical rest we must rest in Him in the midst of the rhythm of our life. If we allow Him to flow through us then we invite Him to help us be at rest in Him, not ourselves.

I began with a simple prayer, Lord meet me where I am, years ago. While the Lord was faithful to meet me where I was I knew there was so much more He was calling me to. He was calling me to live a life of challenge and growth in Him, not a life of spiritual complacency.

While I desired to answer this call my heart was a mess. I desperately longed for everything in my life to stop and find rest. I was uptight and doing most things with that spirit of, "and then..." I do not believe my heart was wrong. I was not angry or bitter, I wanted to serve in the moments I was placed in, but I was searching for something I could not find. I was not at rest.

This Fall I feel the Lord brought me to the place of realizing that life is not going to slow down. It may for a short season but ultimately our rhythm of life is always changing. It is always moving forward and usually at a fast pace. So how was I going to find that rest? I realized I was only going to find that in the depths of my soul. In that deep place where only you and Jesus meet. I can not tell you that this clicked with a certain prayer or on a particular day but in time I realized I was at peace. Rest. I was serving others to simply serve and do what God has called me to do. I was extending love and time out of obedience to God. Not out of a spirit of, "and then..." 

The only way I can explain resting in God is that I have a sense of awe. I have energy during times I would have been exhausted. I have a peace during times I would have resented. I have a willing heart during times I would have been distant. None of this has changed out of my own human determination. It has changed because of the Holy Spirit. Sure, I still have times where I wish we had a quiet family day or really, really, really desire to just sleep in (especially when my two year old is standing next to my head saying, "get up mama!"). I have not turned into some "rested up"  super woman. The difference is in my heart and intention. I am at rest where I was once wrestling with the spirit of,"and then..."

It all began by wrestling with God. Turning to him with an open heart and saying, "Help me find rest in you, oh Lord." He has and He will continue. 

 When you wrestle, resent, worry, or have a spirit of, "and then..." ask Him to meet you where you are. To take you on a journey and celebrate resting in Him. 

 God’s promise of entering his rest still stands,

 so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it. 

For this good news—that God has prepared this rest—has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn’t share the faith of those who listened to God. 

For only we who believe can enter his rest.

(Hebrews 4 - NLT)